Spying is not what it used to be. Old-schoolers beat the baddie, beat the house at roulette and then beat someone to death without even creasing their shirt. Today’s spy seems ill-equipped. Take Ryan Reynolds’s Bill Pope. We know he’s in the CIA because he’s dodging around the City of London looking conspicuous. Anarchist hacker Heimbahl (Jordi Molla) easily hookwinks and kills him.
This is bad news because Pope knows where The Wormhole is. This is the ultimate hacking device, allowing the user to control anything – launch a nuclear missile, turn off your central heating – anything. Heimbahl, a shouty bad-tempered Steve Jobs-a-like, will stop at nothing – even a surreal interview with a real Piers Morgan – to get his hands on The Wormhole and bring down civilisation.
Fortunately, neurologist Tommy Lee Jones (pictured above) has developed a brain transfer technique. If he can plonk Pope’s brain into someone else’s loaf then we’ll know where The Wormhole is. Unfortunately, human trials are five years away. “You have 24 hours,” barks a CIA suit. Who will be the recipient be? A compliant Harvard graduate? No. The recipient is Jericho, a sort of psychos' psycho with Kevin Costner’s face. What could go wrong?
Criminal follows Jericho’s exploits in and around London as the new brain melds with his own. He speaks French, can do martial arts and is nice to children. He also winces every few minutes with new memories, as if he has a migraine. Or possibly a bad back. Gary Oldman’s bureau chief Quaker Wells directs activities, making decisions so reckless you wonder whether you would trust him to run a bath, let alone the CIA.
We’re on familiar territory here. Part Bourne Identity, part Face/Off, part Taken, Criminal follows the “high-concept” formula developed under Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer in the 1980s. Use good actors, include gratuitous violence and mayhem, but don’t worry about the story. To prove the point, the cast features three Oscar winners – Costner, Oldman and Jones – with two rising stars, Reynolds and Gal Gadot (pictured below) – stars of Deadpool and Wonder Woman respectively. All are underused in this ludicrous tale.
Ariel Vroman’s clichéd direction and careless inattention to detail demonstrate a knowledge of London on a par with Zac Goldsmith’s. For example, early on Reynolds heads from the City south over Waterloo Bridge and presumably through a wormhole to end up exactly where he started in Bank. Later, Costner tunes a radio into 100 FM only to have 1Xtra play. Even the sweeping shots of London look better on The Apprentice.
Paradoxically, these lapses of detail and coherence, married to some horrifically ham-fisted dialogue, make the film a hoot. For many years the cult of the terrible film has grown. Films so bad they are good. If this is what you’re into, clear your schedules. Otherwise, Criminal is only marginally more fun than a mugging.
- Criminal is released on Friday 15 April
Overleaf: watch the trailer to Criminal
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